


I Wish I Could Save You

by rosworms



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Depression, M/M, Medication, mental health
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-15
Updated: 2014-12-15
Packaged: 2018-03-01 15:28:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2778242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosworms/pseuds/rosworms
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A tumblr prompt from samforgiven: Sastiel~"I wish I could save you."</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Wish I Could Save You

He was watching Sam waste away. He was witnessing a death in slow motion, he was sure of it. 

Right now should be a happy time. Dean had been saved, cured by Sam’s own blood. And Castiel was living peacefully on donated grace, which did not reject it’s host like stolen grace did.

But Sam seemed worse off than before. Castiel noticed it a week after returning to the bunker. Sam hadn’t been eating. He hadn’t been sleeping. He hadn’t initiated any affections with Castiel and, though he never refused Castiel’s advances, he was distant enough to make it uncomfortable for both parties.

And Castiel didn’t understand. There was no apocalypse, no impending doom, no tragedy… nothing that he could think of to warrant Sam’s mood and behavior.

But still it persisted.

And then Castiel found his first clue while digging through Sam’s toiletries bag. At the bottom was an empty orange bottle with Sam’s name on it. Lexapro 3 refills October 2012.

The words made no sense to Castiel except that it was over two years old and had obviously not been refilled since then. He placed it back in the bag and retrieved the comb he was originally looking for.

He didn’t’ know why he didn’t ask Sam about it. But it was Dean who answered the question, “What is Lexapro?”

"Uh… medication. I think it’s for mental health? I’m pretty sure I’ve seen commercials for it. Just try google."

Obviously Dean had no clue about the bottle in Sam’s bag or he would have been knowledgeable about it’s contents, so Castiel did exactly as Dean suggested and searched google.

Lexapro (escitalopram) is an antidepressant belonging to a group of drugs called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs). Escitalopram affects chemicals in the brain that may become unbalanced and cause depression or anxiety.

Antidepressant. Depressed is a word that Castiel felt accurately described Sam’s demeanor as of late.

"I don’t understand," he announced one night as he and Sam were making their bed. 

"Hmm?" Sam looked up from where he was tucking a sheet corner.

"There is nothing to be depressed about, and yet you still are."

Sam’s eyes widened and his jaw dropped slightly.

"I’m not… Cas, I’m fine." He turned away, burying himself in the task of making the bed look perfect before they would climb in and wrinkle it again.

"You are not fine. You’ve been despondent, distant, and you don’t eat. I don’t understand why." Castiel sighed and stood straight, letting go of the bed cover. "I wish I could save you."

Sam let go also, bringing his eyes up to meet Castiel’s. 

"It’s not… it’s not as easy as choosing not to be depressed. And it’s not caused by… events." Sam reached for his toiletries bag and pulled out the orange bottle that Castiel had already seen.

"I was taking medicine for a while. It helps… because it’s a brain chemistry thing. It’s an actual medical…. thing." His grip on the bottle was tight, like forcing the words out of his mouth were causing his hands to close tighter.

"If it helps, why have you not refilled it in so long?"

Sam breathed in sharply, realizing that Castiel must have found the bottle already.

"I first got on it when you both were in purgatory. It was the first time I was forced to admit it was a problem… not just a demon blood thing or a Lucifer’s vessel thing or even a fallen wall thing. It was just me." Sam shrugged self-consciously. "I got my last refill after Dean came back… and then came The Trials. They did something to me… they were changing me. Not just making me sick, but the depression wasn’t there. So I didn’t refill them again."

Castiel listened silently, nodding his head for Sam to continue.

"After that, I guess it was Gadreel’s presence in my body that changed the chemistry. I felt fine… better than fine. And then there was so much going on with Metatron and Abaddon… and Dean. It was like the apocalypse again. Never a moment to let my own mind catch up with me…. until now."

"So, there is nothing currently making you feel depressed other than the chemicals in your head?" He just wanted to be sure. He didn’t expect Sam’s watery laugh as he tilted his head back and stared at the ceiling. Castiel knew he was trying to keep tears from falling.

"I know! Believe me, I know there is no justification for it. I should just be able to suck it up because others have it worse and I have no right-"

"No! Sam, that is not what I was saying. I only wanted to be certain that I was not doing anything wrong or that there was nothing else to be worried about. You don’t need to justify how you feel… feeling them is what makes your feelings justified."

Castiel stepped around the bed and held Sam’s face in his hands.

"Tomorrow we find more pills. If that is what it takes, then that is what we will do."

"Thanks, Cas… I just…. thanks."

Castiel raised up on his toes and kissed Sam on the nose. He would always be there for Sam, no matter what problems they faced. They would face them together.


End file.
